Saturday, November 2, 2019

Fears are foolish

Witty comment here, self depreciating comment there. 

Here is a poem.



My fingers are tense, tight, taut with agitation
holding the pen like it has fangs to bite my hand 
if I loosen my death grip. Digging into the page
for the words that seem hidden under a layer of stone.
I need to find them, scratch them free from me.
When did I become afraid of writing? When 
did the blank page transform into the boogeyman 
hiding under my pen? Blue lines on white intimidate.
The ink in my veins runs cold in the eye of this pale sheet.
Schrodinger's page, every line, empty and profound
with what is and what isn’t, a single eternity of moments
undefined.


No promises, no goal. Just a poem. Goodnight.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Whoop de do dah

I always want to start with some kind of deep introspective moment that leads into something I can be proud of. This post is not going to happen if I hold myself to that high standard. I need to lower my standards to get a pattern going, then I can focus on improving the quality. So here goes.

Mildly unimportant update, I no longer hold my job at McDonalds, I work for a call center, for Geek Squad now. I fix level one computer problems. Whoo. Onto the writing that no one will read!

30 minute daily freewrite

When I dream, I dream of you.

To the me who lives without fear of what I said yesterday
and what waits when I open my eyes tomorrow
I dream of you.

In you I see my doubts are few and false shadows
weak kneed in the light of your confident smile
I dream of you.

You, who spends the night not tossing, back and forth
with dreams of dread and looming future fears
I dream of you.

Running ahead of who I am, painfully past my reach
just far enough ahead that I cannot catch your shadow
I dream of you.



11/07/14

I want to wonder, wandering
aimless in my world, made up.
To depart from my day to day,
return to defenseless dreaming,
Break free dance with my oldest friend
etherial entity who was called by all
Imaginary. Right will be right
in the way my friends used to be
forever.


So part of it was a free write poem, the other half an edit on a poem I found in a notebook when attempting to clean up my room. I’m not really pleased with the second one but it is what it is. I didn’t embark on a quest to write a poem tonight but it did come out. I guess listening to hipster licence free music on spotify make you do that at times.

Goodnight, hope to be back in a pattern of attempting to write every night.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Random free write

A good friend of mine challenged me to take 20 mins a day, to do a simple freewrite every day. So here is day 2.

I think I’ve always been locked in this room. The top of my world is a chunky, cottage cheese texture, that feels a bit powdery when I touch it. The sides are a smooth beige, with just a hint of gloss to it. Here and there are little marks where the brush left too much paint, drying into ridges that create small shadows. I like to run my fingers over these little lines, tracing them over and over. There is one part of the wall where a hole was made, then patched over with thick swaths of white paste. This part is the same powdery dry as the ceiling and I hate it. I get frightened when I run my fingers over it.

The floor is a puzzle of small blue chunks of stone and glass, each one a different shape and shade. Some are shiny, some are dull, but all are blue. A few of them are chipped and the grout around the ones by the door is missing, from when the waters came in. The water didn’t scare me; it made my floor look like the ocean. My favorite stone is a tiny one near the side of my bed. It is a little triangle, no bigger than my big toe, with one corner rounder than the other two. The blue of this one is a dark, dark shade, almost black. One day, I realized if I stared at it long enough and tilted my head just right, I could see tiny silver flecks in it, glittering in the lamplight. Sometimes, when it gets too loud, I stare at that stone and try to count the bits of silver light inside it. I always lose count.

I walk the circuit of my room every day, from the edge of my bed in the corner, around and into the bathroom in the corner. All along the walls, there is a bit of paint that is a little shinier than the rest, where I keep my fingers on the wall as I walk, so I don’t fall. I like to trace the little stones and the gaps in the tiles by the door with my toes, counting each one, each day. Once, one of the little blue stones came free when I traced it with my toe. I picked it up and hid it in my pillow. I kept it secret and safe until it was taken away from me. I cried for a day when they took the stone from my hand.

I don’t like the door. I can’t touch it, so I don’t understand it. The metal looks like it was brushed over and over with a very fine toothed comb, until it became a man sized wall of dark grey and silver lines. There is no handle on this side, just a small shelf mounted to it that my meals come in on. The tray is wooden and goes through the little opening to the other side, where the food and supplies come from. The door goes from the blue stone floor to the ceiling, so wide across that I can’t touch both sides at the same time. Sometimes I hear voices on the other side, but never for long.


I dunno. Sleep well everyone.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Well then...

Another random poem I guess?

Stranger

Hey, hi!
I almost didn't see ya
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
I'm doing good, I've got no complaints.
I'm not driving that old beater anymore,
Got myself a new car, doesn't break down on me.
The family is great, everyone misses you.
Mama had a scare, the Big C, but Lord knew what's to be
Daddy is retired now, he won't leave Mama alone.

How are you? Where have you been?
That's good, you always had a talent for it.
It's been so long, you've been busy, I'm sure.
I saw your brother the other day, he seems fine.
How about…?
Oh.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I've gone and made it awkward. Just like I do.
I don't know what to say, sorry doesn't feel like enough
Oh, yes, you go ahead, I sure do know.
Those errands, they won't run themselves, will they?
It was great, seeing you. It's been too long.
Call me when you have free time.
Don't be a

~~~~~


Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Creepypasta 2? Its been a while...

Yeah, I dunno....

Randomly felt like writing a poem and this is what came of it. I'm going to Halloween Horror Nights so I guess I'm in the mood for creepy things.

The title isn't really creepypasta...
~

Knowledge is power

I know that nothing goes bump in the night,
But I lock my car door a little faster at night…
I know that rustling in the bush is just a cat,
But I walk faster every time I hear it…
I know nothing is watching me,
But my scalp still tingles as I unlock my door…
I know that tapping on my window is a branch,
But maybe it’s just a little too insistent to be wind…
I know nothing is hiding behind my curtains,
But I still hold my breath as I draw them back…
I know that knocking on my door isn’t ominous,
But it’s 2 am and it’s too quiet outside…
I know monsters aren’t real,
But those eyes glowing in the hall don’t seem to know it too...

~

Have a nice night! 

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Oh hai dere...

No words.

Or really, lots of words. But no life update. Not really in the mood.

Hey, have a story I don't know how to finish properly.  Heck, it doesn't even have a title.

~~~~

Her gnarled hands fussed with the duvet as yet another grandchild of a grandchild was paraded past her bed. This one wailed and squirmed as he was presented to her, turning a vivid shade of red. He was the last, and youngest, of this year's crop of children. Two hours of presentations wore on her nerves, every infant and toddler looking too much like the one before.

    "He's just tired, Mother." The eldest of her daughters smiled. "He'll be strong, with those lungs."

    "Or he'll just be loud." Another of her daughters chimed in.

    "Hush. Both of you." The old woman's soft rasp was hard to hear. Sometimes she forgot how old she was now. "Do any of you hens have any more chicks to show me?”

As the squaller’s mother wrapped him in a blanket, the eldest daughter stepped forward again. “Not today, Mother Rhina.  Arianne and Tsiporrah will both have their babies in a couple of months, then Domonic’s twins another couple months after that.” She fussed with the pillows behind the old woman’s head. “Oh, good news! Mason and Kinny just found out they are expecting a couple days ago and a little bird told me Little Cara might be too.”

Rhina pushed at her daughter’s fussing hands. “Oh, go on already. I can’t possibly be bothered to remember all of these girls and when they pop out another screamer. Just bring them around every year and I’ll look them over like I always do. Now go! I’m old, I’m tired, and I’ve had enough of your silly nattering. Go!”

The room emptied as the hens shuffled out. She knew as soon as they were out of the room, the clucking would turn negative and cruel. “It never changes. No potential.” She sighed as her hands fumbled for a small bell. “How will I ever…”

Her bell rang out clear and sweet as she shook it. She crossed her arms as a door in the corner opened. A small cart rattled out, pushed by a young woman in a simple servant’s dress.  Wordless, she set up a small dinner tray at the end of the bed, with a small silver lidded tray and a glass of water.

“Gods above and below, those children of mine are absolutely useless. Especially Demitia. So obsessed with bragging about her own girls.” Rhina struggled to push herself up higher on the pillows before snapping at the servant. “Well, what are you waiting for? Help me up. I can’t eat half on my back like this.”

“Yes, Mother Rhina.” The girl slipped her arms under the woman’s knees and shoulders, lifting her and setting her into a higher seat. “Now sit still.”

She watched as the girl tucked the blankets around her wasted legs and placed the dinner tray within reach. Under the silver lid was a mix of vegetables and spices, fragrant and steaming. A pitcher of water remained on the cart in case it was required, as well as a tiny brown bottle, stoppered and sealed with wax. The room was silent as the old woman ate, keeping her eyes on the tray. Spices warmed her throat and belly as she spooned up the dish with measured bites. At the end of bed, the girl stood, quiet, with eyes trained on the floor and hands folded in front of her apron.

When the last bit was gone, Rhina pushed the plate to the edge of the tray. “Thank you. The new cook did a good job today.” The girl leaned forward for the tray but the old woman grabbed her wrist. “No, leave it for a minute, Leah.”

At the mention of her name, the girl looked up with a strange light in her eyes and a grin curling at the corners of her mouth. “I almost thought you forgot my name, Mother Rhina. Wouldn’t that just be a shame?”

“I hope you don’t think you’ve earned the right to be rude to me, girl.” Rhina’s frown deepened, but her eyes crinkled, ever so slightly. “You’ve let your hair grow out some since I saw you last. And what’s with this mess on your wrist?” She turned over the girl’s hand, running her gnarled thumb over a small pattern of chevrons.

    “Now, you know exactly what that means. And why I’m here.” Leah pulled her wrist free and picked up the small brown bottle of the cart. “The question is, are you ready to accept?”

    “Can’t say I am yet.” Rhina crossed her arms. “You could hear Demitia from the servant’s entrance. Air headed and short sighted, I can’t leave the family to her.”

    “Are you sure?” The bottle glittered in Leah’s hands as she pulled the stopper and tilted it over the old woman’s glass of water, still untouched. “It would be so simple. Free of smell, and taste. An escape, one you know you want.” A single drop hovered on the lip of the bottle, fat and quivering in the slight breeze from the window.

Rhina eyed the droplet, the promise, with tired eyes. “Can’t say it’s time. Not right now. Too much to do right now.”

    “Too much to do?” The girl laughed as she flicked her hand back, a practiced gesture that pulled that fat droplet back into the bottle smoothly. “Please, you can’t even walk to the courtyard anymore by yourself. You need at least four attendants to get past the parlor at this point. What are you waiting for? For one of your ‘hens’ to take charge?” Her laugh bubbled out again, soft and sad.

    “Might be. Might be I’m waiting for a sign.” Old hands reached for the glass of water, her throat dry and tight. The glass shook as she tried to lift it, water threatening to splash over the rim. With a disgusted sigh, she fought to steady the quake.

Strong hands cupped hers as Leah guided the glass to her papery dry lips. The water was cool, Leah’s hands warm around her own as the girl helped her set the glass back down.

    “It hurts, Mother Rhina.” Leah fussed with the blankets, her eyes on the floor as she spoke. “When I left, I hated you, for sending me away like you did. Over time, I figured out why. I found out who you were. What you were. They trained me the same way.”

The old woman watched the top of Leah’s head, at the tiny spot her curls spiraled from. “I had no choice. The mark was there and you were of age. Am I… your final task?”

“No, no, that was some politician two years ago. The sisters wanted to send another, an alycote to offer you the Mercy.” Leah tucked the small brown bottle into a pocket. She scrubbed at her eyes; they were red and shot with veins. “I came here of my own choice.”

Nodding, Rhina reached for the girl’s hand. Again she ran her fingers over the four small triangles on the smooth wrist. Then over the matching marks on her own. “I can’t leave yet. I promised myself I wouldn’t leave without showing…”

The words tumbled out on their own. “I wanted you to know that it’s not about being alone. I wanted you to have another, someone to follow you, close to your side. So you wouldn’t be like me. But these girls, they all take too much after their father, him and his sweet old heart. I never could get him to say a harsh word to our girls.

“I still can’t say what he was thinking when he proposed to me! But he was so kind, so selflessly loving, I said yes. Then came the children; I counted their toes and blessed their fingers. I led the family through many years, watching for a Marked Child. It was so long then, two generations, that I thought the Mark wasn’t going to rear it’s head again.” Rhina took a long, shaky breath. “Then you were born. So smart and quick, I cried to watch you grow. I had to send you away. Even then, I continued to watch. Each year, every caterwauling bundle brought here, to get pinched, prodded and cooed over by my girls. But never with the signs.” Tears were flowing freely now, down her cheeks, and dripping off her chin. “I won’t say I’m sorry, I did what was right. I hope you can think well of me for it, later on.”

Leah wrapped the old woman tight in her arms. Rhina could smell herbs in her hair, along with the sharp tang of the spices from dinner.   

~~~~~

Blargh

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Umbra is the darkest part of the shadow

Hey all,

And by all, I mean the less than 10 people who read this.

These isn't a new piece, but ons that I quick posted on Facebook.

I didn't want to lose it again so here goes!

Untitled

It's three am and all is well.
The fan whispers in the silence,
with a hiss tick hum, hiss tick hum.
Drowning out a cacophony of silence
with a hiss tick hum, hiss tick hum.

It's three am and all is well.
My fingers dance over a quilt of faded red,
patched and stitched, worn and ripped.
I curl beneath it, my stalwart shield,
patched and stitched, worn and ripped.

It's three am and all is well.
Darkness is my canvas, dreams my chalk.
Colors in the umbra, rainbows in the night.
Masterpiece past recognition, immaculate
Colors in the umbra, rainbows in the night.
~~~~