I should be canonized as the Saint of Stupid, You Buggered that One Up.

Originally, the title of this post was going to be "Should and Shouldn't are just words". During the process of typing this little thing, I typed the phrase that is now the title. It made me giggle, even though it really isn't that complementary. The point is, I feel like this a lot. Mostly, because I worry so much about should and shouldn't; What people tell me and what I think.

There are a lot of things I know I shouldn't do, for various reasons. I also know there are things I should do, that I can't seem to get past the conceptual stage.

There are things like I shouldn't eat junk food, or I should budget my money better. I think for the purposes of improving myself, these are too over simplified. If I were to attempt to improve myself.

I know I shouldn't take criticism personally. Most of the time, the person talking to me wants to see me do well, instead of trying to trip me up. I know I should take a deep breath when I am stressed and think for just a moment. The answer will come. I shouldn't make a unpromoted blog just to whine about how mean people are to me or how much I let my paranoia take over. I should talk to the person I am feeling frustrated or alienated by.

I shouldn't let the perceived opinions of those around me rule my every though. I should realize the people who matter don't think I'm ugly or stupid. I should keep living my life like I don't need someone to validate my existence.

I should stop I shouldn't focus so much on sentence structure vs intent when it comes to typing that text message or email. Sometimes, a period is just a period, not an implication of anger or disappointment. I shouldn't delete this entire post, just because I am nervous at not being understood. Nor should I chicken out just because someone might just be reading this to make fun of me. I should remember that these thoughts are more universal than those damn shampoo and cat food commercials make it seem.

I should take a moment out of my day off to drive to Summerfield and say hi to my mom. For no good reason. I should take the time to send a personal text to people I adore but just don't hear from any more. I shouldn't expect them to text me back. It shouldn't be about the return, only the giving.

I shouldn't contradict myself. I dislike it but I do. I say one thing, then when it comes to light I am so radically, so perfectly wrong, in such a way I should be canonized as the Saint of Stupid, You Buggered that One Up. At this moment, my pride kicks in and I pop out with that anthem of stupidity. That glowing song of "I didn't say that" or "I don't remember doing that." I shouldn't hate myself for those moments. I should forgive myself and let it pass. I shouldn't dwell on my mistakes as much as I do. The last person to forgive me is always me.

I should let it go when I am hurt or insulted by others. Just take another deep breath. Its never worth it. What is losing my temper or running off at the mouth going to accomplish? Say it with me: Absolutely nothing.

I guess the biggest thing I should do is remember that I can do anything if I just slow down and focus. I shouldn't get impatient or rush through, because that just invites me to mess up and get discouraged. Even if I mess up, I shouldn't give up. Even if I keep messing up, I will eventually get it right and every mess up is a lesson. Not that I have the grace to know that in the moment.

Just the above portion of this post took me almost 2 hours to write. It is deceptively difficult to take yourself apart and say honestly what you should and shouldn't do in life. At points, I thought I would have to stop, because I was afraid I was going to cry.

I've rather burned myself out tonight for anything else for this post, so I am sorry if anyone considers this a waste of time. I do want to get back into writing actual stories and poems. I'm going to focus more on posting something small every day. Even if I only post a couplet poem about the flatulence of ducks, I'm going to post something.

Thanks for putting up with me, lovelies.