Every day, overcoming my fear, letter by letter.

I continuously think of how afraid I am that someone might misread something here and assume I am an awful person. I know I'm not, and many people would agree vigorously on that. But fears are never rational nor do they go away when you hide them behind a smile.

Regardless of the fact you are reading this and I may not know you, I am trusting the reader of this blog. Before I continue, know I am terrified of clicking publish on this post, but I feel compelled to type this.

I am trying to draw back those curtains I pull in front of my personal demons. More often than not, I push more and more behind that curtain, refusing to confront any of it until one day it forces itself out. In a blaze of paralyzing fears and doubts come to take their due, I crumple and fail in the most maddening ways. Sometimes, I go too far with my self depreciating humor, and hurt my friends by hurting myself. Other times, I just turn into a gibbering wreck hiding in the dark of my room, simultaneously praying that no one hears me, but also that someone would look in and tell me it'll be ok. I cannot fight these demons in the darkness they breed in my heart, so I will bring them to light, to force myself to see that these doubts, fears, hatreds, and self loathing are nothing to fear and CAN be defeated if I let myself be strong.

We all fight our personal demons in different ways. I know my ways previously have been less than effective. I justify my lapses with terms like "good days" or "bad days", pretending that my excuses are anything but. I want to say I refuse to continue in that manner, that I will improve myself undeniably but its not something I can promise. I can only try.

Well, not that I didn't love baring my soul here, I did promise to post new material here today. So here it is, Dreamhart. Another partial of a much longer story I keep in my mind.

Dreamhart

A dark shadow slipped past the alley door as an old woman tottered out. With a grunt, Orna heaved the contents of a sturdy metal pot into the street. A clatter at the end of the alley made her jump and she clutched the pot like a shield.

            "Hoy!" She rasped out. "Who's there? Come out, or I'll belt ye with me pot!" She squinted into the night.

A soft voice came from her left. Orna whirled and held the pot in front of her. "I mean no harm, ma'am. I would like to ask you a few questions."

The old woman looked all around her. She could not see the speaker. "Well, go on. Ask yer questions."

            "Have you heard about any, hmmm, strange children as of late?" The voice drawled, soft and low, dangerously feminine. When Orna shook her head, the person continued. "Do you have a midwife in this town?"

Orna snorted. "Sure we do. She lives on the edge of town. Why?" She peered deeper into the darkness. "Have ye a need for a birthin' woman?"

Orna felt something brush past her in the narrow alley. She caught the briefest glimpse of a four legged form, and golden fur as it rushed past her to the street. She dropped her impromptu shield and bolted inside; she was really too old to be talking to strangers in the alley after dark.

_______

Cassiopeia kept to the shadows as she sprinted through the small seaside village. Bright oil lamps inside roadside taverns created pools of light, making her weave her way across the road. When she reached the slid into the shadow of the last building on the street, she spread her wings and leapt into the air.

Her sharp eyes watched the land far below as she flew over the sleeping villiage. Small plots rolled out and onward beneath her as she scanned for the midwife's home. As the sun peeked over the horizon, her bright brown eyes lighted on a battered old building close to the edge of town. Nestled in a small grove of trees, the walls looked like they were held up more with the memory of a building than nails. With a whispered wish, she banked left and swooped in to land as silently as possible.

Cassiopeia landed with a soft thump around the back of the small building. Her claws dug small furrows in the thin soil as she considered her next action. She cautiously approached the window and peered inside. Lying all over the floor were children of all ages, from small to large. Cassiopeia jumped as the door opened with a loud protest and older children began to file out.

 As soon as they were out of sight, she flew towards a large tree with thick foliage. She selected a large branch and lay down to observe the children. As the day wore on, she watched the children playing in and around the small hut. There were many children living there but none were the child she was searching for. She watched until the sun went down and the children were herded back into the home by a rough old woman. The woman cautiously scanned the area before closing the door. Cassiopeia heard a small bolt latch and the lamp inside extinguished.

When the sound died down in the hut and all seemed silent, Cassiopeia slid down the trunk of the tree. She came to the window where the woman slept. She lay down outside the window and listened for the woman's breathing. Slowly, Cassiopeia matched her breathing to the woman's rhythm and started a low chant. The way into the woman's dreams opened like a misty chasm.

 Cassiopeia snorted in disgust as she inhaled the putrid air of the woman’s mind. She pressed further into the gloom until she heard a loud raucous voice singing an old tavern song. A large glassy sphere hung like a bloated bubble in the murky smoke.

 
“And don’t forget to bring me ‘nother beer!” A gnarled old man cackled from within. Cassiopeia skirted the edge of the dream sphere, staying well clear of the domed sides.

As she came around the curve of the sphere, Cassiopeia saw the old woman sitting in a chair, watching the dream intently. The woman would caw with laughter every time the man would reach out to grab one of the serving girls and get slapped. Cassiopeia padded up softly.

 

            “Good day, ma’am.” She purred into the woman’s ear.

 

The woman remained intent on the dream even as she answered. “Tisn’t day yet.” She swatted at Cassiopeia.

 

            “Not truly, wise one. Would you be able to answer some questions for me?” Cassiopeia asked softly. “It would do a great service and a greater reward for it.”

 

            "Reward?" The woman’s blank gaze turned in Cassiopeia. “What be the question?”

 

            "Just a simple one, really. Have you cared for any children who seem be a little" Cassiopeia chose her words with great care." - different?”

 

The woman scratched her head. “Not too different. Not if ya mean mooncalves. I haven’t had one o’ those for a while now.”

 

Cassiopeia’s human face darkened. “My thanks to you.” She whispered into to the woman’s mind and began to circle the sphere again.

 

That same cracked voice caught her mid stride. “We did have that one girl, now that you mention it. But she weren't no mooncalf. She was too smart.”

 

Cassiopeia spun around and stared at the woman. When the woman did not continue, she growled low in her ear. “Well, where is she?”

 

The woman was unfazed by the enraged sphinx. She spoke slowly, staring at the dream still unfolding in the sphere. “She was a little thing. Other kids picked on her something fierce, but I paid it no mind. Makes a kid grow up strong, that it does. She couldn’t tough it, I guess, so she ran off. Haven’t seen her for at least a moon cycle. We’re better off, I think. She talked about strange things.”

 

Cassiopeia dug her claws into the substance beneath her. “What things, woman?”

 

            “Monsters.” The woman replied.

 

With a rough growl, Cassiopeia whirled and bounded out of the dream world.
~~~~~

I hope I didn't freak anyone out with my sudden and uncalled for foray into very personal battles with the self.

In other news, I am looking to start collecting Sailor Moon TCG cards again. I would love to know if anyone has any out there! Let me know!

Its almost 5 am again, I need to start sleeping at reasonable times.

Goodnight, lovelies

Sleep well and Sweet Dreams